The Not-So-Skinny On Locker Rooms

Locker rooms at places like Gold's Gym are cool, I think, because every strain of humanity uses them. Young, old. Black, brown, white. Skinny, toned, paunchy, muscular, fat.

And, yes, gay and straight.

I'm a little surprised, though, that nobody has suggested segregating queers into their own locker rooms. Actually, it would make dating a snap. It'd be better even than gay.com, simply because you could see your potential mate in the flesh. On the other hand, can you imagine how uncomfortable you'd feel if you thought every guy in the room was checking out your body? One good thing about universal locker rooms is that nobody knows who's gay or straight, meaning you pretty much keep your eyes to yourself.

Of course, at my gym in Harrisonburg, I'd just as soon gouge my eyes out with a fork as scope most of the guys in the locker room. As I've said before, it seems that when a man turns 60, he loses all inhibitions about his body. I've had old guys start up conversations with me stark naked, their ballooning bellies casting shadows over dicks tucked away in a lifetime of country-cooking fat. These guys pad back and forth from the showers, swinging their asses like chicks in a rap video, blinding passers-by with their utter whiteness. It's enough to turn a gay guy straight. (Yeah, right.)

My philosophy on nudity: If you're got a reasonably taut body, go for it. If you don't, keep the boxers on, please.

None of this would have to be spelled out in a locker room marked "Gay Men," which would smell fresh as flowers and be a de facto fat-free zone. After all, the saying is true: 2QT2BSTR8. Those of us who didn't measure up would just slink off to the regular "Men's" locker room and keep our eyes squarely on the floor.